7 Secrets to Devious Dirty Talk
Whether you’re an avid fan, sure avoider, or tentative frequenter, I think we’re all aware of the power dirty talk can have. The idea of trying out dirty talk can be overwhelming for many people, but I’m here to tell you; it’s not that hard– we’ve just not seen good examples of it! Dirty talk in movies and books is often exaggerative and unrealistic. We love it when we see it in a story, but we don’t want to actually talk like that with our partners! And that’s totally okay.
Dirty talk isn’t gendered, it isn’t what you see in the media, and there isn’t a script to follow. At the same time dirty talk can also be gendered, what you see in the media, and best of all, you can request your very own script to follow. Get it? No? Okay, I’ll elaborate.
RESEARCH
First and arguably most importantly; do your research. I can almost guarantee you that your current partner isn’t going to be into the exact same thing your last partner was into. In a relationship, it’s your job to find out what your partner likes! Of course, asking questions is a great way to start finding out what your partner is into. Start by asking them about what pet names they like to be called (if any) and if they enjoy any bedroom power dynamics. Dom/Sub/Brat/Switch are some of the basics of power dynamics, but if you want to learn more about the role kink can play in your intimate life, I recommend these incredible educators: The Kink Consultant & King Noire. (Or investing in some sex education with Sex Ed for You.)
Don’t worry about sounding professional. Sound like you. There are over 1.5 billion websites out there, but your story is what’s going to separate this one from the rest. If you read the words back and don’t hear your own voice in your head, that’s a good sign you still have more work to do.
Be clear, be confident and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve and your site can evolve with it. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.
Once you’ve discussed power play dynamics, you can dive into my favorite sexuality resource: Audio Erotica. I highly recommend Quinn Audio; where you can search by tags such as Male for Female [M4F]; [Dominant], [Oral], [Praise], [Degradation], etc. You can even just peruse the tags to see if you find anything that sparks your interest! Audio Erotica is a fantastic place to start because you can learn what dirty talk sounds like for the recipient, learn new vocabulary surrounding sex, and get some new ideas to try out in the bedroom. A great thing to do with a partner is find an audio that really interests you and send it to your person; tell them what you like about it, what you want to try from it, and ask them about their opinion.
Conversation surrounding your intimate life with your partner is truly the first step to incredible dirty talk!
PLAY THE LONG GAME
We often reference Ian Kerner’s, She Comes First, which emphasizes the importance of playing the long game when it comes to sex. For many people, sexual desire is not spontaneous, it’s responsive. This means that someone may only get excited for sex in response to actions. Have you ever noticed older couples who seem the happiest are the ones who still flirt with each other? Who compliment their partner’s outfits and delicious homemade meals? Flirting, compliments, and small acts of kindness can easily get lost in the sea of life when a relationship settles into a comfortable pattern. It’s totally natural! But I encourage you to put the effort in and make your partner feel special every single day. When we feel valued and uplifted within relationship, we’re much more likely to desire intimacy with a partner! (COME TOGETHER, Emily Nagoski’s newest book highlights her research on “appreciation” as the key ingredient to long lasting sexual fulfillment. We just finished reading this book in our monthly membership program. You should JOIN!)
Again, talk to your partner about what desire looks like to them, ask if they’re comfortable with a little butt slap in the kitchen or a thigh rub under the table. Maintaining an intimate relationship begins with a conversation.
START SIMPLE
You don’t have to be perfect, ever, but especially not in sexual encounters. We love to say “sex is someplace you go, not something you do.” Enjoy the encounter and allow yourself to lean into the moment. Explativesalways get the point across, I am a firm believer in the power of a well-timed “fuck/fuck me” in the bedroom. And if you don’t believe it’s sacrilegious, a good “oh my god” is always a crowd pleaser too. Be vocal, allow yourself to moan and breathe and enjoy the moment. Some easy compliments to bring out: “you taste so good,” “you’re so good at that,” “let me eat/kiss/lick/bite you.”
AVOID CONTROVERSIAL NAMES AND SLANG UNLESS ASKED
Listen, some people love to be called a slut. Others will slap you in the face for it. Don’t guess. Ask.
I SEE, YOU SEE, WE SEE
When dirty talkin’, a great place to start is by talking about what you see, what you’re doing, and what you want to do. When you go listen to some audio erotica, you’ll learn this quite quickly. No matter what flavor of dirty talk you and your partner enjoy, most likely, you’ll be talking about all the delicious things that are currently happening or about to happen.
When things first start getting hot and heavy, compliment your partner!!! Describe the way their outfit made you feel, compliment a part of their body as you take off every item of clothing, and whisper all the naughty things you are about to do/want to do to their gorgeous bod. I recommend really dragging this part out, especially if your person is female-bodied. It takes 20 to 40 minutes for the female body to become fully aroused, so keep this in mind in the beginning stages of intimacy! Preheat that oven!!
As you get deeper (ha) into your sexual encounter, you can work in little commands: “do it like that, [pet name],” “please do this,” etc. Keep in mind you’re not going to get what you want from your partner if you don’t ask for it. People can’t read minds… But you can pay attention to your partner’s bodily responses.
TIMING & RESPONSE
Here’s where I think some people can get a little off course of the goal of dirty talk. Dirty talk is like arousal, you warm up over time! Unless you’ve had conversations with your partner and they request this specifically, I don’t recommend coming straight out the gate with your wildest dirty talk. Revisit the section above for some guidelines on this.
Then, watch your partner’s reactions when you’re being intimate. If their hips are bucking up and their back is arching, that’s a sign that they like whatever you’re doing. Bodily responses such as big exhales and eyes rolling back (and sometimes complete silence) are good signs–here, it’s great to ask questions like “do you like that, [pet name],” or “you want it faster/slower/harder/softer?”
LAUGH A LITTLE
The reality of it is: you’re going to say something incorrectly, you’ll slip up a little, or maybe you’ll stumble on your own words because your partner is just that damn attractive. That is so okay. Honestly, I believe you should be with someone who you’re comfortable with making mistakes around. If your accident offends your partner, apologize, ask if they’d like to stop the encounter and repair! (Here’s a link to a worksheet for repairing accidents! Use code DIRTYTALK to get it free) If not, laugh it off, or don’t acknowledge it until after the encounter. One mistake does not a perpetrator make. You’ll be okay.
STEP-WISE-GUIDE TO DIRTY TALK
Research
Listen to Audio Erotica
Listen to your partner
Ask your partner
Ask yourself
Analyze your relationship dynamics
Play the Long Game
Responsive desire
Compliments
Flirting
Be a little dirty about what you want to do to them later
Avoid Controversial Things unless specifically asked or you ask
Don’t come out the gate calling someone a slut
I See, You See, We See
Talk about what you’re doing
Talk about what you want to do
Compliment the fuck out of your partner – their body, their voice, their moans
Mention that they’re squiggling and squirming– is it cause they like it? Do they want more? Do they want less?
Laugh a Little
You will feel stupid sometimes and that’s ok
You should be with someone who you feel comfortable laughing with
Laughter is healing
Take a deep breath
Close your eyes
Literally just start saying shit, some of it will land, some won’t. The more you try, the more you learn! You’ll be even better next time
Timing
There is SOME strategy to this game
Notice their breathing patterns and little squirmies
Start simple
Expletives and “oh my god” are great
You’re so good at that
You taste so good
PET/ FIRST !! NAMES !!
Aftercare!
In the moments after your encounter ask:
What did you like most about that?
What would you want me to do again?
What could I do more of?
Hours later (or the next day) ask:
What would you like me to change?
What would you like to do differently?
What would make that even better for you?
The next time!
Incorporate what you learned
Does this overwhelm you! You’re not alone! Book a free consult with Lauren to see if some sexy education for you and/or your partner would be beneficial!
