Sex Won’t Save You - I agree.
Yesterday The Gospel Coalition released an excerpt from Joshua Ryan Butler’s newest book, Beautiful Union: How God's Vision for Sex Points Us to the Good, Unlocks the True, and (Sort of) Explains Everything. Then they promptly took it down citing that the selection ”lacked sufficient context to be helpful in this format.”
And that, my loves, is the the issue.
The Christian Church in America proceeds again and again to perpetuate harmful messaging about sexuality by providing, what I think they truly believe to be education, completely out of context.
Growing up in the Evangelical Christian Church sermons, books, and bible studys on sex were normal. From a young age I believed I was well versed on sexuality. I knew that sex was reserved for marriage, I knew that I, as a person in a girl body, was to keep myself pure - so that I could be just like the “bride of Christ” for my husband on our wedding night. I knew I’d offer my body to my husband and enjoy celebratory sex for the rest of my days as he “spilled his seed” (to quote Butler) inside me multiple times per week and we had as many babies as God would see fit. I would be a stay at home wife and my husband would love me. Honor me. Cherish me. Because the Bible told me so…
Cue sound effect of brakes screeching to a halt and the clamor of a car crash.
I did these things. All of them. As a result, I remained in an abusive and mostly sexless marriage for a decade - because, my loves, the teaching I received “lacked sufficient context.” Context that if provided, could have changed my life.
But it wasn’t offered, so I suffered under patriarchal and dualistic teachings until I broke.
Everything cracked open and I lay in pieces.
And THEN. I took the shattered remnants of myself and created a new container. I took myself back to school and became a Certified Holistic Sexuality Educator. I uncovered the missing “contexts” of the sexuality education I was given and I healed myself. And now I work every single day to heal others who were also given only the tiniest pieces of the story.
One of the best things I learned in Sexuality Education school is how to read/listen to an opinion and acknowledge that there is not one reality, but many realities “that can be articulated based on the values, standpoints, and positions of any author.” (Daly, 2007) There are ways to consider the context and filter the education we’re receiving. The next time you’re reading an article like the one from The Gospel Coalition, listening to a sermon, watching a tiktok, or my instagram stories, I would encourage you to ask if the sexual principle being addressed considers the following.
Contexts for Consideration in Sexuality Education
Rights to pleasure
Informed consent
The Five Circles of Sexuality: Sensuality, Intimacy, Sexual Identity, Sexual Health and Reproduction, & Sexualization
Race
Religion
Trauma
Economics
Tools and Technology
Politics and Legislation
Stability and Change
Historical Background
Culture
(Adapted from the Sexuality Education Wheel of Context by: Azarmina & Nasserzadeh 2017)
In the excerpt that was released and then pulled, Josh Butler referenced penis in vagina (PIV) intercourse as his definition of “sex.” Not only is exclusive of all but heteronormative couplings, he also fails to mention the scientific fact that over 80% of women do not orgasm from penetrative intercourse. But, my loves, Mr. Butler is not a Sexuality Educator, a Sex Therapist, a Sexologist, a Sex Researcher, or even a student in a sexuality program. He is a biblical scholar, a pastor, a husband, and a dad. None of these things are bad - but they do shape the his sexual values.
Values for any given topic have different weights of importance depending upon the culture. I invite you to view sexual values like the ones Josh Butler expresses in his new book, BEAUTIFUL UNION as his personal values and opinions rather than absolute truth. He is entitled to his opinions, but they are NOT the only opinions.
An inclusive, equitable, and just understanding of human sexuality is of critical importance to society and to all the individuals who form it. The World Health Organization even goes so far as to say that, “Sexual health is fundamental to the overall health and well-being of individuals, couples and families, and to the social and economic development of communities and countries.’
I deeply believe that each of us has both the right and the responsibility to contribute to the body of values that help shape our attitudes, control our behavior, and determine happiness for ourselves and others. We cannot stop at consuming the thoughts and opinions of others. We must engage.
It is my opinion that we can best contribute if we:
Have a basic factual knowledge of sexuality
Are comfortable with open discussion of sexuality issues
Understand our own values and their sources
Before we use the Christian scriptures as our sole source of sexuality education, I encourage all humans to consider that nearly all the Church Fathers regarded women's bodies as a threat to the salvation of men, who were thought to be victimized by the power of sexual desire.
The Church Fathers were deeply influenced by Plato and misogyny. They believed that pleasure would distract from the spiritual pursuit of righteousness and that women - as sexual objects - were its instigators. Here are just a few quotes that should cause us to consider seeking additional sex ed textbooks: “Every woman should be filled with shame by the thought of being a woman.” Church Father - St. Clement of Alexandria. “Woman was given to man, woman who was of small intelligence and who perhaps still lives more in accordance with the promptings of the inferior flesh than by the superior reason.”St. Augustine
Beliefs that sex is bad and that the body parts associated with sex are bad and/or dirty are rooted in the Platonic mind-body dualism that heavily influenced the early Church Fathers. The body came to be seen as an impediment to holiness and sex became a distraction from spiritual pursuits. The Church Fathers warned that in the face of passion and sexual desire, Christians would not be able to maintain rationality or remain open to the higher call of the Spirit. (Dale/Keller, 2019)
Josh Butler joins the thinking of many when he speaks of the hospitable vagina. This dominant narrative within Christianity promotes the gendered idea that men are sexual pursuers and women are passive recipients, DESPITE RESEARCH that suggests that each partner is responsible for their own pleasure, and that the most satisfying sexual relationships happen when BOTH PARTNERS are personally empowered. (Dale/Keller, 2019) His view, and that of so many others, centers male pleasure and reproduction.
My loves, in closing, may I offer this opinion? By idolizing sex, I believe we perpetuate harm. Sex can be beautiful. In fact, I spend every day teaching techniques that can actually result in the type of mind-blowing sex Josh Butler describes, but it’s not a magical fixer of all problems nor does your lack of great sex mean you need “salvation.” Husbands are not Christ and wives are not a Church. Systems that place sex on a pedestal and equate penetration to the act of a perfect God penetrating a pure church not only fail to value all humans regardless of their genitals, I would argue that by uplifting one to a place of hierarchical power over another, silencing alternate thought, and refusing to offer accompanying comprehensive sexuality education, they are perpetrating abuse.
Our sexuality is shaped, most often in childhood, by all of the factors listed above. Our bodies are often FILLED with trauma and sex-negative and body-negative beliefs that can interfere with sexual functioning. We should never be made to feel poorly about ourselves if we can’t open our legs and push through, pray it away, have a joyful heart, or submit.
In conclusion, while texts such as the Christian scriptures can be a beautiful addition to our sexual library they should never be our sole textbook. Your trauma matters. Consent matters. Communication matters. Your identity matters. The amount of sex you desire or DO NOT desire matters. Your body matters. Your voice matters. Your curiosity matters. Your healing matters. Your preferences matter. Your turn-ons matter. Your turn-offs matter. Your imagination matters. You matter.
If you are looking for a book to help you consider the beautiful interplay between sexuality and faith, may I recommend: Advancing Sexual Health for the Christian Client: Data and Dogma by Beverly Dale, PhD & Rachel Keller, LCSW
If you are ready to discover your own sexual values or heal your sexual relationship, I would love to chat with you. You can schedule a free 15-min consult by clicking here: www.sexedforyou.com/freeconsult
