Sex as play.
My loves,
This morning while journaling I stumbled into memories of play. Growing up I was the oldest of 5 children and (I am sure in an effort to keep us from making messes in the house) my mother would send us outside into the woods to play for hours on end. Sometimes entire days would pass - only breaking for lunch - while we constructed some new fort or cleared a path or discovered some new "hideout.'' While, this play was special in and of itself, today what struck me was our lack of emphasis on result. The outcome didn't really matter - our joy was in the play - the discovery- the change of the plan - the reroute - the new intel - the surprises were a part of the joy, not a frustration.
Like most children, as I matured, I stopped playing in the woods, but the joy of work followed me. I took it to the theatre where I continued to have the opportunity to create something from nothing BUT one thing was left behind in the back yard of Lansing Avenue. Purposeless play. The joy in the work with zero focus on the "quality" of the end result. Play for the sake of play. Of course, as grown ups we know is not pointless at all! It's full of brain and neurological benefits.)
What if sex could become our adult tool of re-accessing play? What if we took sexual performance less seriously? What if it was less about the goal and far more about discovery? What if we allowed ourselves to be as curious about the terrain of our own bodies as I was about the woods behind my home? What if orgasm wasn't the only reason for sex? What if the adventure into the unknown with another person was worth the risk just by itself? What if we allowed ourselves and gave ourselves full permission to get lost in sex for hours without a "purpose?"
If your brain immediately goes to," that's impossible!" Or that "sounds horrible and pointless! I have a challenge for you. Try to remember the age when you stopped playing pointlessly. Think back to what was going on in your life. Who influenced your decision to stop playing? Think of their exact words and tone of voice. Now think. Is it the same voice that rose up when I proposed having sex for hours without a goal? The same voice you hear that tells you it would be a waste of time to explore your body or your partner's body for hours - just for fun?
Does this voice get to have authority over your sexual play and pleasure? Do you wish to give them this power? What if your next sexual encounter waw not about orgasm, but rather about disovery? What could happen? Could you let yourself try? Is that too scary? Why? Could you tell your sexual partner about this email? Could you see if that opens a conversation? What if you made a commitment to try "pointless and playful sex” once?
Perhaps one of the reasons this is on my mind is that we're reading Betty Dodson's groundbreaking book, SEX FOR ONE in my Hemlock Monthly Membership Program. In her book, Betty states that, "Sexual skills are like any other skills; they're not magically inherited, they have to be learned." And as we all know, we, like children, learn best through play.
For so many, sex is still shrouded in guilt and shame and so for me to propose you be playful with your body feels "wrong" or "gross.” If this is the case, will you schedule a free 15-Minute Consult with me? You do not need to live these years of your life stuck in the past. You are capable of healing, growth, and purposeless play.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this concept! Do you think I’m crazy? Zip me an email back please! I’m serious.
Did you also get lost in the woods for hours as a child, or were you a lego kid? Did you play on the playground or dribble a basketball? What brought you joy for hours on end? How can you incorporate that PLAY into your sex this week?
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May your day be full of play.
xoxo,
Lauren Elise Rogers, CHSE
