It’s May

It’s May and my body remembers. My mama died on May 25th, 2007. May 4th should have been my 15th wedding anniversary, May 5th my parents 38th, May 8th Mother’s Day, May 16th her 64th birthday, and May 25th the 15th anniversary of her death.

I got married 10 days after she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. As I learn more about myself, I realize that this was a very normal thing for me to do. Throw a performative event in response to someone else’s need, in order that they might feel loved and I might feel purposeful. There’s nothing inherently wrong with this decision, I was doing the best I could with the information I had at the time.