It’s May

It’s May and my body remembers. My mama died on May 25th, 2007. May 4th should have been my 15th wedding anniversary, May 5th my parents 38th, May 8th Mother’s Day, May 16th her 64th birthday, and May 25th the 15th anniversary of her death.

I got married 10 days after she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. As I learn more about myself, I realize that this was a very normal thing for me to do. Throw a performative event in response to someone else’s need, in order that they might feel loved and I might feel purposeful. There’s nothing inherently wrong with this decision, I was doing the best I could with the information I had at the time.

I had been indoctrinated to believe that putting someone else’s needs before my own was a beautiful and holy choice. I was convinced that God would bless my obedience if I sacrificed my own wants and desires.

Oh, my loves, how far this was from true. Only now am I beginning to unpack the decades of pain this one decision caused in my life.

I am so thankful for all that has brought me to here and now, so that I am able to help so many of you. AND, if only I could go back in time I would tell that sweet girl, that it was OK to disappoint her Mother’s request to see her get married. I would tell her that it was OK to grieve. I would tell her that it was OK to be angry when her new husband began binging on alcohol days after her mother’s death. I would tell her that she deserved containers where she could be depressed. I would tell her that she did not need to hide her sadness in order to present joy. I would tell her to listen to herself and to speak up when she was being emotionally and spiritually abused. I would tell her to listen to her sexual self and her inner knowing that her husband was not attracted to female bodies.

But then again, all of that has led me to now, and I doubt Lauren of then would have listened anyway. She needed each of those experiences to open her heart and mind.

I am thankful for each lesson that has equipped me with empathy for others. I am thankful for the pieces of healing I experience every year. I will honor my body with tender compassion this month AND I will luxuriate in all it has learned. After all, pleasure is the greatest antidote to pain.

It is BECAUSE of my story that I will continue to help you shatter the shackles that keep you chained to purity culture mindsets or detached from your inner knowing. And I will celebrate LOUDLY each time one of you is set free.

If you are longing to sit with someone who understands unique pain, I am here for you. I would be honored to guide you back home to yourself.