Bodies, Bodies, Bodies
I saw this thread post and felt my skin begin to crawl. Despite the urge to respond to the 300 chronically online commenters, I decided to be mature and write an entire article instead. So, in the spirit of utmost maturity, let’s deconstruct this question and its questionable intentions…
Obviously we must first consider the modern definition of “body count,” which according to urban dictionary, is “how many people you have had sex with.” Sure, heterosexual people likely have no issue with this definition; but every single queer person rolled their eyes reading that. Thanks for the abounding clarity on that definition, Urban Dictionary. We are long past the time of considering vaginal intercourse, coitus, to be the only form of sex.
This arbitrary definition of sex is so clearly incorrect; often leading to the uncomfortable distinctions of “gay sex” and “lesbian sex.” Not only does this grammatically incorrect termmage make queer sex seem secondary to the “real thing,” it also subconsciously categorizes oral sex as lesbian sex and anal sex as gay sex. You’re trying to tell me straight people don’t have anal and oral sex? Even just explaining it this way sounds silly, so let’s all just agree that “sex” is not solely vaginal intercourse and move the hell on.
At risk of being even more vague than UD’s definition– sex is whatever you want it to be; it’s different for everyone.
But, Holland, how can you possibly define a body count if the definition of sex is inherently vague? Well, if you’re really that determined, I suppose you’d draw out your definition of sex and then get to counting. But first, I encourage you to ask yourself what a “body count” represents to you, because next stop, we decide what normal is.
Now, if you listen to the Sex Ed For You Podcast or follow us on socials, you already know I have a deep hatred for the word normal. I mean, really, what the hell even is normal when our world is so nuanced? I mean, think about it— no matter who you are, whether you’re talking to your friends, watching a TV show, viewing a TikTok, or going to the gym, your perception of normality is consistently being altered. Can anyone truly give a concrete example of normal? Do we not all have our own personal barometers for normality?
Normal to me is talking about sex and sexuality in graphic detail with undivided attention and utmost professionality. Is that normal to you?
Normal to my friend who works as a behavioral analyst is being bitten and attacked by mentally disabled children. Normal for a victim of Domestic Violence may be gaslighting and physical harm. Do you consider that to be normal as well?
Normal isn’t real; it’s yours, mine, and Sally-Sue’s. Don’t impose your “normal” on anybody else. Applying your individualized perception of normality to a question about the sexual behaviors of another is ignorant and self-important.
If you want to talk average numbers of intimate partners based on age, gender, and orientation, I can direct you to some really cool research articles, truly. Because I do believe there is beauty and self-empowerment in the pursuit of knowledge.
But this question, imposed with a smirk, does not imply the desire to learn; it implies judgment. I’d even venture to say that the voice whispering judgment upon the woman with a “high body count” is the same voice that casts judgment as you hide from the mirror. Policing bodies isn’t new, it’s just a shapeshifting monster.
Finally, I want to bring light to the intentions of the question. In my mind, there are only two options— to impose shame upon others (for either “too much” or “not enough” sexual experience) or to gauge ones own relatability to society’s standards of normal. As humans, we crave to belong. Belong to a partner, belong to friends, belong to a community— and that is healthy!
But, when we start asking questions such as these to gauge our own belonging or with the goal of shaming another, therefore inducing their exclusion, we are not exercising our sire for belonging in a consensual and healthy manner.
Don’t get me wrong; I am not perfect. I used to put value into the elusive body count number as well. But, as we continue learn more about sexuality, humanity, and relationships, I believe we’re entering a time where these elusive numbers won’t matter. Let’s find far more interesting questions to ask each other, friends.
The opinions expressed in this article are simply that, opinions. We encourage you to form your own. You have a right to self-determination and informed-decision making. We love research and encourage you to do your own. We welcome you to take what you like from this article and leave the rest. You can always reach us by emailing admin@sexedforyou.com.
