Relief is washing over me…

purity culturepurity sex edgriefmother loss

May 30

Picture from my walk by the river on my mother's birthday — A simple bloom that caught my eye on my walk by the river on May 16th, my Mama’s Birthday.

May is almost over! Last week was the 15th Anniversary of my Mama’s death and I shared on my personal Instagram that I feel like I was born into a different version of myself on May 25, 2007.

Now, every year, as my body retraces the myriad of memories connected to the month of May, I am overcome by a deep sense of awareness. I am aware that I can choose to allow myself to embrace the pain that leads to another layer of transformation OR ignore the pleas of my body and push through - stubborn and unaffected.

Hope Edelman, author of Motherless Daughters, writes, “When a daughter loses a mother, the intervals between grief responses lengthen over time, but her longing never disappears. It always hovers at the edge of her awareness, prepared to surface at any time, in any place, in the least expected ways.”

This month I chose to acknowledge the “least expected ways.” To notice, trust, and value what my body was asking for (even if it felt odd) and, my loves, it was beautiful.

In the Sexuality Education field, we often discuss the proximity of pain to pleasure. Pain can heighten our sense of arousal for it focuses our senses in on our bodies and invites us to step into a more concentrated and, if we so allow, pleasurable experience.*

If I teach this concept to my students, wouldn’t it benefit me to apply it to my own life?

*Mama pregnant with me in the summer of 1985!*

Let me be clear. May is hard. I don’t want to romanticize the grief and despair that overwhelmed me on certain days. But this year instead of ignoring the inevitable pain, I asked my body what it wanted and then actively listened. Some days that meant driving around in the safety of my car with warm coffee, loud music playing, and the windows down whipping my hair. Some days it meant smudging my home with sage and taking a long bath. Some days it meant driving to the mountains and taking a nap on a hot rock and wandering through the woods in tears. What I found during each of these experiences was how alive my body was. My taste buds, sense of smell, and ability to hear were unparalleled. As I looked out at the James River during one of my walks of grief, the beauty of nature overwhelmed my eyes - it was almost an orgasmic experience. (Click here to see the reel I made for instagram.) Not because it was sexual in nature but because I was so keenly aware of what my hurting body was asking for and how, by listening and responding, I was able to heal myself.

Growing up, I was taught to deny my body, to mistrust it, and to never listen to the desires of my flesh. I firmly believe that this stunted my grieving process for over a decade. Becoming a Professional Sexuality Educator has accidentally transformed my personal life in so many ways, including how I now allow myself to experience pain.

If you are curious about how personalized Sex Ed could help you grieve or if I could ever hold space for you as you expand into a new chapter of life, please reach out to me for a FREE 15 Minute Consultation. I would be HONORED to craft a package of sessions just for you.

xoxo,